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Splatterhouse is a quintessential late ’80s action game. Maybe they do keep a flying inverted crucifix surrounded by floating heads just in case company arrives. Of course, I know nothing about parapsychology so I may be talking out of my ass. Or spinning blades on the floor, weapons lying around, and a lower level that is filled with aggressive intestines and parasites that attack should you fall through a hole in the floor. One of which is that a house, even one run by a demented parapsychologist, would have skeletons, children’s heads, chained-up nearly dead citizens, and wolves whose ribcages get exposed when you kick them just strewn about. There are a few leaps of faith one has to take when playing Splatterhouse. Luckily, the mansion is the location for horrible experiments by an evil parapsychologist and a floating “ Terror Mask” latches onto Rick’s face and grants him the ability to walk down hallways.

You see, Rick and his lady were heading up to the mansion for a purpose that probably included a naked shenanigan or two (or to escape a storm but who’s counting?) but that whole idea went out the window when she was snatched and Rick was left for dead. Bloated bald, baby-ish monsters crawling on the ground whose head exploded into a pus crescendo, shambling Man-Thing clones who burst into water, household objects come to life, bats you had to punch in the face, and puddles of water were just some of the adversaries our leading character Rick would have to endure. Set to a very 8-bit score dominated by creepy strings, it was somehow both bland and delightful at the same time. And you could damage things with assorted weapons. You could walk, you could jump, and you could slide. The controls only allowed for limited options. Upon its release, this charming little beat ’em up took the iconic hockey mask of Jason Voorhees (happy Friday the 13th, by the way) and enabled players to roam the side-scrolling world of West Mansion demolishing enemies in a repetitive and derivative free-for-all.

Namco’s Splatterhouse is the little rip-off that could.

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